Jax is ONE today! – reminiscing about the day I gave birth

It’s Jax’s first birthday! I can not even begin to describe how I’m feeling. I can’t believe it’s been a year already but in the same breathe I don’t remember what life was like without him. It’s been such an enormous week for my little family. I returned to work on Monday and have now spent three days at work, away from my little man. Jax spent three full days in daycare and NOW its his first birthday. I’m overwhelmed with memories of the past year. I’m so proud of my husband and the father he has become and I’m so proud of myself for surviving the first year of motherhood.

As i write this Im looking at the time and thinking about where my labour was up to at this exact minute last year. At 6.40pm 20th March 2014 I got to meet this beautiful boy that I have now spent a full year with. He has stolen my heart completely.

But as my thoughts dwell to my labour, I’m reminded how lucky I was. I almost didn’t have Jax. Jax’s birth was beautiful but imperfect. I had a rough labour and a complication that I wasn’t expecting or educated about and I’d like to share my experience. While my story is a little off-putting, I really don’t want anyone to be scared by it. I have told some of my close friends this story and they look at me horrified. That’s not my intention. I look back on it as a good memory. I mean, childbirth is scary and painful and ridiculously exhausting but id do it again and its an experience I’m looking forward to going through again one day; when we eventually decide to make jax a little brother or sister. Despite my labour and childbirth having complications, i look back on it with a smile and it just makes me cuddle Jax a little harder each night.

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At 12.05am I woke on a warm and humid March night to a crazy sensation. I felt like I had wet the bed to put it bluntly. I jumped up and waddled to the en-suite bathroom. I sat on the toilet for a few minutes. I wasn’t sure but i thought my waters might have broken and I was so nervous and scared that I was actually shaking. I composed myself, stood up and went back into the bedroom to wake up Nick. His response was “Are you sure? What do you mean your waters broke?!” I was due in 2 days time so I was a little taken-aback that he wasn’t at all expecting this.

We were organised and had bags ready and our plan was to calmly do everything. But we were both so frazzled. Nick was ridiculous. He jumped out of bed, scrambled for clothes and started erratically doing jobs that really didn’t need to be done right now. For example he felt that he really needed to feed our fish right then at 12.10am and put washing up away.

But after a few minutes I managed to wrangle Nick in and we found a moment of calm to sit and ring the hospital. We live in rural Australia and I was overweight while I was pregnant so I wanted to give birth at a bigger hospital with specialists and the best facilities; but this hospital was over an hour away. So I had to go to our local hospital to get cleared to travel. What ensued was an uncomfortable check and the deflating news that although my waters had broke, I was no where near dilated enough to warrant being in hospital yet. So they sent me home and told me to get some sleep and travel to the bigger hospital in the morning.

I did not sleep a wink. I slowly started to get contractions and became more and more petrified. I remember how much adrenaline I had at this stage and as the contractions got stronger and closer I realized I couldn’t wait until morning to go. At 4.30am I again woke Nick up and told him I had to go.

The car trip was horrific. I don’t remember looking at the road. I spent the entire hour and ten minutes checking the clock and timing each minute and second of each contraction. The trip was the most painful and uncomfortable experience. I do not recommend it. Each bump was so so uncomfortable.But upon reaching the hospital i was admitted quickly and again told that despite my close contractions; they were irregular and I had a long way to go.

At 9am I was moved into a birth suite, given gas, and hooked up to a contraction monitor. I was constantly reminded to walk to move the process along. Contractions got worse and closer and closer. But little progress was happening. I couldn’t believe how painful this was and I was only just beginning active labour.

Hours passed. Nurses kept telling me to walk, move and stay hydrated and occasionally examined me. I felt disgusting at this point. I was getting tired and frustrated at how long this was taking. The gas was good but it didn’t take any pain away, just distracted me a little from it and it was making me so dry and hoarse.

By 3pm I wanted an epidural but was warned that this could slow labour down further. So I waited, but was given a needle for relieve the pain.I remember being so tired and hungry. I wanted to eat but my contractions were beginning to roll into one another. One would end and just as quickly another would begin. By the time i went to take a bite of a sandwich, a contraction would start and i I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but suck on gas. I also remember getting cranky with Nick for doing this do me and telling him that we would adopt next time.

A bit before 5pm, Nick signed consent and I had an epidural. I remember being super calm about it. It was a weird sensation. I think at this point I just wanted it over with. I wasn’t scared about the needle or dangers of epidural; which I now find weird because I was very scared about it leading up to my due date. It’s funny how your priorities change when your in the moment.

It didn’t take too long before my epidural had kicked in and I was feeling relief. I couldn’t move and had a catheter put in; which i found humiliating.  I could still feel the tightness of the contractions but the intense pain was now numbed. After hours of being on gas and morphine, I have to admit that I was feeling a little out of it and sleepy. But  something wasn’t right.  Nurses kept examining me and instead of the jovial remarks and encouraging conversations; they seemed worried. Things were still progressing too slowly and they told me that Jax was posterior. I’d been told that he was posterior in an earlier exam but ensured that he would probably turn as he dropped down and that it wasn’t anything to worry about. He hadn’t turned!!

It was now too late to have a cesarean. My slight concern turned to absolute panic. Doctors were concerned that Jax was in distress so put a heart-rate monitor on his skull and two pediatricians were called into the room. Just as Doctors were preparing for me to start pushing, Jax’s heart-rate plummeted. The long labour was becoming too much for Jax and he was now in real distress.  The entire tone on the room changed. It went from “Come on Darling, you can do this.. Push. Push” to “Jess this is really serious. You  need to push right NOW!” Alarms started going of and staff rushed into the room.

Jax was stuck and in distress. I didn’t know if he would make it. I started to push. It felt so intense. There was so much pressure. That’s the best and only word I can find for how it felt. It was painful but because of the epidural it wasn’t a pain that totally consumed my thoughts anymore. I’m so glad I got an epidural. I had to focus on getting Jax out and I think that if I had forgone an epidural and been in as much pain as I was a few hours ago, I wouldn’t of been able to concentrate or stay calm enough to push properly.

Doctors used forceps and cut me open. They told me what they were doing as they did it. They were using so much force to pull jax out.  Forceps didn’t work; so they attempted using the suction vacuum cup. The Doctor yanked so hard that the cup broke and went flying, nearly hitting Nick in the head. A second suction cup was used, forceps were tried again and I was cut further.

Finally, after an enormous amount of pulling, pushing and panic, Jax was born and thrown up onto my chest momentarily before being whisked away.

Jax was born at 6.40pm on 20th March 2014, weighing 3430grams and 56cm. Despite being in distress, his heart-rate recovered quickly after childbirth and he was otherwise a healthy little boy.

Oh my God. Relief. Not relief because the pain was over, but pure relief that Jax was alive. The pediatrician gave him a thorough check and he was finally allowed back on my chest . He was beautiful. Super gross and covered in muck but oh my gosh, I have never seen anything so beautiful. His poor head was a mess. The vacuum and forceps had bruised him and cut him and because babies’ skulls are soft, the vacuum had kind of sucked his skull out of shape. He probably wasn’t very pretty to look at but I thought he was gorgeous.

Such a ridiculous experience. It was scary but humbling. In retrospect, I wish I could go back to pregnant me and tell myself to stop sweating the stupid stuff (like being scared I would fart in front of the nurses or being scared about an episiotomy) because that stuff doesn’t matter and in the moment you just won’t care. It’s the big picture that matters. I came so close to loosing Jax. Minutes, maybe seconds, were the difference between having my healthy baby and loosing him. Thinking back just makes me appreciate every second, every minute, every day with Jax; because every second is crucial and counts.

Happy birthday my beautiful boy. I love you so much. I wish you the world and look forward to another amazing year.

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Breast may be “best” but stop with the guilt trip because breastfeeding isn’t easy

As a young mum; I really had no idea about breastfeeding and I really had not given it much thought whilst I was pregnant. I thought “yeah I’ll do that, looks easy enough.”  I think my parents and people around me just assumed I would breastfeed because i was constantly told its “best”. Breastfeeding although a deeply personal choice is for some reason a public topic that people feel that have the right to ask a new mum about. Mums, for the most-part, will never do something that would hurt their bub. Mums make choices that are best for their situation; so if a mum decides to breastfeed or bottle feed they are doing it because that is the best choice for them and their bub; so stop making mums feel guilty!

I decided to breastfeed Jax but I wish someone would have told me that it isn’t easy. Once Jax was born he was thrown up on my chest and as soon as he was given the all clear from the pediatrician the nurses helped me feed Jax for the first time. Ouch!!! It was crazy how uncomfortable and painful feeding was. I was reassured that it would become easier soon and told to persist. Three days later, it was still painful. Nurses would come and watch me feed and try to get Jax and I in different positions to help because “it shouldn’t hurt if he has latched on properly”.

The truth is, even if your bub latches on fine, it will hurt for the first little bit. I used to dread feeding time. Every time Jax went to latch on I would clench. As he latched on I would jump and at times i would sit sobbing  in pain as he feed.  I kept on persisting and eventually it got easier but it took over a month before I got used to the sensation of a let down and the pain went away.

But just as the initial pain went away I was hit with the pain of oversupply. Jax fed so often that If i was away from him for more than an hour, my supply would build up and my boobs felt and looked like they were going to explode. The throbbing sensation from an oversupply is ridiculous. Like a toothache its a pain you can not ignore.

Then just as I felt like I had breastfeeding sorted I got the dreaded Mastitis. Holy Cow.What an experience. One boob became rock hard and extricating to touch. I was in bed for 2 days with a fever, sick as a dog. I was given anti-antibiotics and told to feed through the pain. Hands down the sickest I have ever ever been.

I ended up breast feeding Jax for a little over 6 months. I didn’t really decide to stop breast feeding Jax and I think I would of liked to have feed him for a little bit longer.  After a weekend away from Jax, my supply dropped off and I started supplementing formula with breast until he was solely formula fed.  It was a difficult period for me as I felt like I was now missing out on our little bonding sessions. When I breast fed him he would fall asleep in my arms; but now that he was bottle fed he didn’t need me to fall asleep and eventually he  rejected me holding him altogether. Now he wont even let me hold his bottle or him when hes falling asleep; preferring to be completely self-sufficient.

In hindsight I’m glad I stuck it out and breastfed Jax but I completely understand why so many mums try breastfeeding and decide to bottle feed or choose to formula feed for the get-go.  There is so so much pressure to breastfeed and i think its unnecessary. Mums should make the choice they want to make and not be guilted into breastfeeding. So many mums try so hard to breast feed and through no fault of their own bub just wont latch on properly or breastfeeding just isn’t practical for their situation. How dare anyone make a mum in this situation feel bad or inadequate. Breastfeeding is not easy and it isn’t for everyone. Whilst it might be “best” it isn’t the best for everyone and isn’t always best for bub.

Breastfeeding is impracticable when you need to monitor bubs milk intake and for many mums including myself it is super stressful trying to work out if your bub is getting enough milk. Breastfeeding also isn’t the most practical when in public or travelling. I know that mums have the right to breastfeed anywhere but from my perspective I didn’t want to feed just anywhere. I wasn’t comfortable with people seeing boobs whilst they were trying to have lunch, or do their shopping and didn’t want to do it around my dad, brother or partners family. So that meant that I spend hours and hours of my life sitting alone in a bedroom, car or parenting room breastfeeding in private.  I was envious of the mums that bottle fed; who could feed their babies infront of anyone without getting funny looks or feeling awkward. I was envious of the mums who could get their partner’s to get up and help feed thier bubs in the middle of the night.  For 6 months I was the one who had to get up to Jax because I was the only one who could feed him.

Now I know I could of expressed and stored milk and I did; but expressing milk is more tiring than breastfeeding. For me expressing took a long time to get used to and unless I was “in the mood” I couldn’t get my supply to let down.  I’d sit there awkwardly pumping until I felt like my boobs were about to fall off and would only manage to get a lousy 20ml for my efforts.

Breastfeeding may be “best” but for heavens sake stop making mums feel guilty for their choices. The choice to breastfeed or bottlefeed is such a deeply personal decision that no one has any right to pass judgment over. I’m happy to help young mums who want to breastfeed. I’m happy to share advice or suggestions on how to make it easier. But I will never tell someone that breastfeeding is best.I think breastfeeding was best for me this time around. I really enjoyed it and I think in the end I’m glad that I stuck at it. But It is not always best for everyone and I really wish expectant mums would be told  the truth :  it isn’t as easy as it looks.

Child neglect in Australia and things we can do to stop it

The level of child neglect in Australia is ridiculous in my opinion. I’m not sure if i just didn’t notice before I had my son; but i feel like every week I hear an appalling case of an innocent child being neglected or abused in the news. One case bought me to me knees and had such a profound impact on me that it prompted me to want to take action.

Due to a suppression order  I can not cite the  names of those involved but here is the link to an ABC news report on the case.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-10-28/boy-starved-by-parents-was-days-away-from-death/5847244

This case involves a father who had previously had a child removed by authorities in another state and somehow been allowed to care for a four year old in Victoria. The parents lived in a squalid house and locked their son in his room, piled high with dirty nappies, with no food or water for days. After a fortnight bender on cannabis and vodka, the mother actually called police to the house herself and invited police inside claiming domestic violence had occurred. Police came in to find rubbish waist high and a 4 year old locked in a room of filth, naked, shivering, malnourished and on the brink of death.

I’m sorry but what the hell is wrong with people?!! In what universe is it OK to lock your child up? In what universe is it OK to force a child to live in filth? If you want to live in filth or get high then that’s your choice and I have no issues. Great for you. But if you have a child then how dare you impose your shitty life choices upon them. I believe in the justice system but a mere 8 years punishment for what this father did and allowed to happen is not enough. The things i would do to these parents if I could lay my hands on them!!

It absolutely breaks my heart that this could happen in Australia and that monsters like this live in our communities. My son has so many people who love and care for him and this poor little boy didn’t have a single person who cared enough to protect him from this. No one cared enough to check on him after he wasn’t seen for a fortnight and based on the child’s health and mental state, being locked up wasn’t a once off. At the age of 4, this boys childhood has been stripped from him. He isn’t used to being outside, has terrible nightmares and his current foster parents have commented that no doors, even bathroom doors can be closed within their house or the boy starts screaming for fear of being locked up. I’m so upset that this happens in Australia. How can we let this happen and live with ourselves?

So in my outrage I decided that enough was enough and something needs to be done. But as a small town student, young mum and person of average means; what the hell could I do about it? Maybe not awful lot right now, but I’m going to do something. This story came out in October last year (2014) and since then I’ve thought about ways to make a positive change. So get ready for some politics and crazy ideas. This is what i believe needs to happen on a large scale and some small things that individuals can do:-

1. The hand needs to talk to the mouth

In today’s day and age, with the advances in technology there is no excuse for states not to be aware of child services and neglect cases in each state. A person should not be able to evade child service through moving states and legislation needs to become uniform across the board to remove loop holes.

2. A more regimented framework needs to be in place to monitor all children from ages 0-6years

From my experience as a mum I’ve realised that unless I volanterily take my child to day care and register them, no one cares or will check on my child. I register my child at birth and then nothing happens. A nurse did 2 house visits when Jax was a few weeks old to weigh him and check that I wasn’t suffering post-natal depression but after that no one has called or made me do anything with Jax. No one will force me or even tell me that I should take him to see a Doctor regularly or get Immunized. No one will come to my house and check on him unless there are a number of complaints. My point is that it is too easy for children to disappear off the grid between the ages 0-6, especially if you aren’t sending your child to care.

So I propose that there needs to be mandatory doctor/community health nurse checks for all children aged 0-6years. Ideally every 3 months. If your child isn’t checked into a doctor or nurse a system needs to automatically alert authorities and someone needs to go check on that child. Perhaps a fine needs to be issues if you fail to present your child. This fee would also help cover the financial strain (without raising taxes) on the health care system and government agencies that would be involved in this process.

But I know what you thinking. This is a bit idealistic and would be super hard to implement. I admit this plan has flaws but out government needs to stand up and do something and stop putting things in the “too-hard” basket. This plan would require the health care system to be capable of taking on this extra work load and at present it isn’t ready for such a strain. But this isn’t a deal killer. If the health care system can not cope with this strain than the government could sub contract out this job. Yes people, im talking privatizing a sector of the health care/ child services system. This would get the job done without stressing our main health care system and would create new jobs without raising Taxes.

The other main flaw is that it could be argued that such strict and regimented checks would be a gross imposition upon a person’s rights and freedoms. As a budding young Lawyer I’m all about freedom of rights BUT not at the expense of children’s rights. I’m sorry but in my opinion the freedom of rights argument is null and void. The rights of children trump all other rights. I know this is a bit of a means to an end argument but If personal freedoms are restricted or your a little inconvenienced and this saves a few children’s lives then it is all worth it in my opinion.

3. More people need to become foster parents

So I’m not a foster parent yet but Nick & I are currently discussing it and as soon as we are more financially able, we intend to be foster parents. Why? Child services may be aware of thousands of complaints and need to relocate thousands of children and its all good for us to sit here and complain that the rate of child neglect is because DOCs/child services don’t do a good job. But how can child service remove children from their neglectful homes if there is nowhere for children to go.

Almost anyone can be a foster parent. I’m not suggesting its easy or something to be taken lightly but if your passionate about helping children, as I am, you should at-least consider it.

4. Fundraising & Volunteer

So, since I’m not quite ready to become a foster parent  or politician just yet; the above ways to help aren’t suitable to me just yet. But i am currently working on plans to fundraiser to help my local foster parenting agency and I currently volunteer with Australian Childhood Foundation as part of the ‘Not Another Child’ campaign. Little things like sharing a hashtag can help generate attention to a campaign  and charities and foundations are more than happy to hear from you and accept any help your willing to give; be it little or big.

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So to sum up, there is no excuse for the rates of child neglect in Australia that are steadily rising. Something needs to be done and excuses need to be put aside to make it right. Every person can make a difference. I’m just one little person that currently has a small reach but one day I hope to get into politics and make bigger changes. But for now, I will continue doing what I can.